Effortless

I drove around Lincoln for a long time today, aimlessly going up and down, back and forth roads I've driven on at one point or another in the last five years. Lots of places with very specific and wonderful memories attached to them, memories I sometimes wish I didn't have, so I wouldn't feel so awful.

As I was driving, the weather was strange, but it was the kind I enjoy. It was so dark on one side of Lincoln with a storm, albeit brief and kind of wussy but a storm nonetheless, coming in and so bright on the other, the sun shining like nothing was wrong, like the wind wasn't blowing like crazy and leaves and dirt weren't floating in the air...they make such a beautiful contrast to one another, you can't have the light without the dark. Each is necessary for the other to exist. I felt like I had that light and that dark inside me today, have felt like that for a lot of days now. People expect one thing of me, but I don't know how to be that anymore. It felt like with the light and the dark outside of me and inside of me, I could just swallow the whole world and make it go away. It's an ambitious undertaking I realize, ending the entire world and all, but the strangest things pop into my head when I am driving.

I don't really know what I was looking for, where I was going, what I was trying to lose. I take that back, I know what I was looking for, but I also know that what it is and what I want is gone, in a completely different place now, completely slipping away from me.

Sometimes I wish I could just fade away. Sometimes I think I have already started to. Sometimes I wish it would hurry up and happen already.